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Pobuda za besne udrihalce naključnih tipk

Evo, klapa. Blogerska scena zamira. V bistvu sploh ne gre za zamiranje, ampak počasno in hropeče umiranje, z občasnimi izcedki gnoja in tolerance nevrednega besedičenja. Zdi se mi, da glavni razlog ne tiči v pomanjkanju piscev,1 ampak gre za pomanjkanje motivacije in idej za tipkanje česa daljšega od 140 znakov.

Dobro, da sem jaz tukaj. Res.

Zakaj? Ker nam planiram v prihodnjih dneh postavit kar nekaj izvirnih misli za pobudo k pisanju. Sposodil si bom sistem, ki sem ga med lurkanjem po blogosu2 ujel pred leti. Kaj točno lahko pričakujemo? Hja, načeloma gre za piramidni sistem, ki vsebuje tudi lastnosti verižnih pisem. Tisti, ki boste po tej omembi začeli razmišljati, če sem je z mano vse v redu: naj vam potrdim, da moji vitalni organi delujejo odlično, živčni nevroni v mojih možganih pa se prožijo na najbolj nenavadne načine, kar se jih da doseči.3

Zadeva poteka tako, da napišem temo s popolnoma naključno, največkrat celo trapasto tematiko, na koncu pa omenim dva blogerja, ki morata nadaljevati verigo z zapisom, ki nosi enak4 naslov, le da ga napiše zase, v svojem slogu in na svoj način, na koncu pa spet omeni dva druga blogerja za to nalogo.  Kdor verigo prekine je potem povaljan v katranu, perju in poslan na javno zasmehovanje v naključne, sumljive predele Ljubljane, kot so Fužine, Nove Jarše in Bi-Ko-Fe.

Kaj pravite, smo za? :mrgreen:

  1. teh je res ogromno. Poglejte recimo blogrollo tamle na desni.. Če bi mi vsak omenjen bloger dal evro bi dobil skoraj 200% mesečnega dohodka, presneto. []
  2. takrat, ko je bil dejansko še priljubljen in precej bolj uporabljan s strani ljudi, ki niso na kakšnih močnih tabletah []
  3. se pravi.. nič novega. []
  4. ali vsaj podoben. Prepustimo se domišljiji []
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Čivkzbirka #1

Evo, zadnjih štiriindvajset ur sem preživel v iskanju stvari, ki bi jih lahko kopiral, vendar nisem bil preveč uspešen. Seveda samo do nedavnega, ko sem odkril veliko zbirko tvitov, ki sem jih nekoč in nekje dodal med priljubljene. Ponekod gre za slovenske, drugje spet za angleške citate, vendar ima večina vsaj malce humornega pridiha. Sledijo si kronološko, od najnovejšega proti najstarejšemu. Let’s get this party started.

*Sakir na tradicionalne družinske vrednote:

*Ragnar Belial o napredku Applove tehnologije: *Sašo z malo črnega humorja: *Matej Praprotnik odkrije zabavno kombinacijo simbolov:

*megafotr o novih sodelavcih policije:

*robotski račun opisuje slovensko glasbeno sceno in njene cilje:

*Khalifa nam pove zabavno anekdoto o srečanju s policisti:

*Ana Jurc o pomembnosti izbiranja pravega imena za otroka:

*Andrej Arh o nerazumevanju med ljudmi:

*FunFacts nam sestavi kratko poezijo:

*Pametnjakovič razloži svoje razumevanje romantike:

*Sašo pove eno matematično:

*Sakir in njegovo trenutno počutje:

*Pižama je zaskrbljen zaradi svoje kolegice:

*Pižama opisuje eko politiko v restavraciji hitre prehrane:

*Political Math se za trenutek zmede in…:

*Demetri Martin opiše sosledje nenavadnih dogodkov:

*Uroš Kocjan pokaže primer pravilne reklamacije:

*JRehlig o svetu iz umetne mase:

*Stanko pove eno odprtokodno:

*Frankie Boyle pojasni koncept kokic in kokakole v kinu:

*Sašo pretvarja v imperialne enote:

*Jure se pohvali:

*Gorazd Šturm se ukvarja s pravilno sintakso:

*Iztok Majhenič pove eno bridko:

*Nejc Žorga Dulmin o znanstvenih problemih:

*anusmundi na pomembnost točke vidika:

*Janez Novak o ljudeh s preveč časa:

*Tina B testira onomatopoijo:

*Kristina Keržan postavi diagnozo:

*Ragnar Belial o posledicah različnih kapljevin:

*Mladen Prajdic na takratne spremembe facebooka:

*robot o imenih moških higienskih pripomočkov:

*Tina B o svoji zbirki orožja:

*Eran Kampf postavi prioritete:

*Tina B o sproščujočem krožku na Kardeljevi ploščadi:

*Lažni račun o problemih prvega sveta:

*Mladen Prajdic opiše našo turistično ponudbo:

*Blaž Žgavc pokaže, kam se splača vreči stotine evrov:

*Jan Ferme ni jutranji človek:

*Jonas Žnidaršič o pozabljenih očalih:

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Slična zgodba #2/2

Mariborski navijači so tepci, Zoran Janković krade, chemtraili in teorija v zvezi z njimi zagotovo držijo, Elvis je še vedno živ in Marjana iz Idrije si je danes zjutraj preveč osladkala čaj, kar je rezultiralo v telefonskem klicu na številko njene kolegice, ki se žal ni oglasila. Zdaj, ko imam vašo pozornost…

Nadaljujem prejšnjo objavo slik s telefona, z zgodbami.

35.Absolutno se lahko reče, da so slovenske gradbene firme ena izmed največjih črnih lukenj, ki so v zadnjih letih požrle ogromno državnih financ. Itak, če pa ne zaposlujejo tako uspešnega inženirskega kadra, kot sva se izkazala, da sva s predragim kolegom nekega dolgočasnega popoldneva.12

36.Enkrat in nekoč sem se podal po svetu v iskanju tistega pravega znanja, resnice in primerne slike za ozadje telefona. Prepotoval sem našo Zemljo po dolgem in počez, brskal po najbolj oddaljenih gozdovih, spoznaval velemesta in vasi, ampak nisem našel ustrezne. Potem sva s kolegom3 sedela na čaju, ko sem mu omenil moj problem. Pograbil je telefon in slikal naključno škatlo za živila. Shinny.

37.Lahko bi rekel, da je tole smreko izdolbla žolna, ali detelj, ali katerakoli podobna žival, med iskanjem hrane, ampak si bom raje izmislil, da so luknje v bistvu ostanki granate iz druge svetovne vojne, ki je ubila dva lisjaka in enega zoprnega brenclja.4

38.Za vse ljubitelje hitlerjanščine5 je tukajle prijeten dialog iz nemškega učbenika. Ko smo ga morali prebrati, oziroma zaigrati v razredu se je dušenje s smehom začelo že pri prvi ponovitvi človekovega priimka. Le zakaj.

39.V merkatorju kupljena jajca smo enkrat našli v popolnoma nesprejemljivem stanju. Ko smo škatlo z vso vsebino odnesli nazaj v trgovino so bile prodajalke izredno navdušene nad zamenjavo za nepokvarjena jajca. Pohvale trgovski verigi in njenim zaposlenim.

40.Za prebivalce žabastih predelov države: Kje je posneta ta slika?

41.Kdor bi v teh težkih časih trdil, da finančne krize ni in da ne obstaja bi bil podoben majhnemu otroku, ki si zatisne oči in ušesa, ter prične proizvajati brbljave zvoke. Torej, trdim, da kriza še ni v dovolj velikem razmahu, ker sem pol leta delal v skladišču s kozmetiko, od koder smo v trgovine po Sloveniji pošiljali nesramno drage6 parfume in ostalo nepotrebno packarijo za luksuzne finoče.

42.Človek nima veliko skupnega z zvermi, če pa te ob polnoči pograbi volčja lakota, ti ne ostane nič drugega, kot da se spremeniš v besnega roparja shramb. Tole je tisto, kar ponavadi nastane v takih primerih. (odide na ropanje shrambe in blog nadaljuje kasneje.)

(nadaljevanje kasneje, s polno posodo v naročju)

43.Kadar se v Ljubljani od praga doma sprehodim dvajset metrov v smeri proti jugovzhodu vidim betonsko ploščad, štiri socialistične bloke in velik napis grafit “Katančeva ploščad 4ever,” ali nekaj podobnega. Kadar taisto stvar prakticiram doma se srečam z malce drugačno podobo.

44.No, tale spada v kategorijo “When you see it..” Oziroma, “kdo prvi ugotovi, kaj je na sliki narobe?”

45.Tree, what are you doing? Tree, you’re not even familliar with short circut. Tree, Stahp!7 Torej neposlušna drevesa, pa to.

46.In kaj se zgodi z neposlušnimi drevesi

47.Eden izmed najlepših kotičkov, kamor se da zavleči tukaj pri nas. Škoda je le, da tukaj med svetovnimi vojnami nemci radi požigajo hiše….

48.Na prijeten pomladni dan sem se odpravil na kolo. Ptički so peli, regrat je razkazoval svoje nežne rumene cvetove, ravna cesta se je trla pod kolesi.. Kdo je zafrknu nastavitve kamere? Ja, jaz sem bil.

49.Ne bom besedičil… Tisti majhen obroček na verižici na sredini slike je očitno popolnoma dovolj, da imobilizira skoraj pol tone težko žival. Pametna bitja, ni da ni.

50.Me bo kdo tožil, če miroljubno sklepam, da je tale napis namenjen predvsem ameriškemu trgu? Mislim, resno?

51.Še eno izmed množic improviziranih ozadij za telefon. Zahvale avtorici.

52.Očitno bi se lahko za ugibanje kaj je na sliki odprl nov blog. Ampak naj bo še ena: kaj je to?8

53.Mlada zver je pretegnila tace in skočila s svojega varnega kotička, kjer je preživela nekaj ur od zadnjega ulova. Sprehodila se je okrog, ter hitro našla plen. Priprla je oči, se prihuljeno zvila k tlom in v nenadnem napadu planila nad nič hudega sluteče bitje, ter se zvila v njegovo9 torbico.

54.Vem, da bom za tole moral požreti marsikatero opazko o šovinizmu, ampak si ne morem pomagati. Ženske pač ne znajo parkirati, evo.

55.Turški šampon za lase. Not much difference, but smells like kebab.

56.Tejle pravim: okno v moji sobi.

57.Včasih mi na kolesu postane dolgčas in si začnem na ritem vrtenja pedalov mrmrati kakšno pesem. Včasih pa zadeva leti...10

58.Neke noči je prijazen in popolnoma človeku popolnoma neškodljiv medved hodil po gozdu. Naletel je na travnik, ki je bil ograjen z žico električnega pastirja precejšnje moči, vendar ga to ni ustavilo, da ne bi nadaljeval svoje začrtane poti. Ni ga vodil nagon po plenu, ni ga vodil vonj po kateri njegovi ljubi hrani… ne. Sprehodil se je preko dveh žic preprosto… ker lahko.

59.Svojo prijaznost in pripravljenost na sodelovanje je potrdil še z majhnim darilom11

60.Le kakšno noč za tem je njegov manjši sorodnik samo pobožal žico in jo v pospešenem tempu ucvrl v smer, od koder je prišel. Za spominek je pustil samo tole.

61.Če naj bi kitajci v vicih za izbiro imen metali kante po stopnicah sklepam, da je dotično ime nastalo med zehanjem, kihanjem, ali pa kašljanjem?

62.Ne vem kaj je pičilo gospo, ki je vozila tale avto, ampak je na splošno med pravili za varno vožnjo parkiranje na znaku za prehod za pešce močno odsvetovano, če ne že kar prepovedano.

Evo, to bi bilo z moje strani vse. Kar se pa pametnejših zapisov tiče pa je v kratkem v planu polna luna, ki ponavadi vzbudi nekaj nespečnih delov možganov, v katerih se nahaja smisel za pisano besedo.

  1. Jap, krajša proga za avtomobilčke iz kinderjajčka. Z lupingom, model! []
  2. Btw, you will never be pinky izolirtrak awesome! []
  3. drugim, ne istim kot zgoraj []
  4. slava jim. []
  5. Sakire all the way. []
  6. že dobavna cena je bila žvižgajoče visoka []
  7. Nom, nom, nom,nomhzzz… []
  8. kdor je sliko ali predmet že videl naj bo tiho :P []
  9. v temu primeru: njeno []
  10. tist spodi je povprečna []
  11. ne klikat med prehranjevanjem. Ali pač, kaj me briga. []
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Slična zgodba #1/2

Večkrat sem že brskal po telefonu in vsakič naletel na kopico slik.1 S posnetki vred jih je okrog 600, kljub temu, da sem jih že veliko pobrisal… tako pač je, če imaš spominsko kartico večje kapacitete. No, kakorkoli, problem pri mojih slikah je vedno, da so običajno mimo kompozicije, brez teme, brez smisla in le redko nekaj povedo same od sebe. Kar hočem reči je, tukaj že večkrat napisani: nisem umetnik.

Zakaj bi potem hranil tako količino nesmiselnih slik? Ker prav vsaka od njih hrani eno zame zanimivo zgodbo.2 Kakorkoli že, ker moj telefon dela morilsko velike fotografije in nočem, da tole objavo internetnim uporabnikom nalaga po eno uro, bom nalepil samo povezave do fotografij, poleg njih pa razlago zakaj so posebne.

  1. Bil je prijeten poletni večer, ležal sem na postelji in bral knjigo, minding my own business. Nenadoma pa se je od nekod zaslišal nenavaden in ogaben zvok. Ko sem ugasnil radio, kjer se je ravno začela vrteti Swedish House Mafia,3 sem s kotičkom očesa ujel tegale junaka (recimo mu Filip), ki je sedel na vrhu okna. Poglejte, kako lepo pozira.
  2. Je že kdo slišal za afriške odprte kope, kjer kar od vrha pričnejo kopati za različnimi rudami, diamanti, zlatom in podobnim, nato pa ustvarijo velikanske jame, ki so praktično vidne iz vesolja? No, tale slika ni od tam.
  3. Nekoč so v nekem podjetju, ki v svojem imenu skriva angleško ime za mačko in gosenico naredili manjši strojček. S svojo višino nekaj metrov in maso nekaj prijetnih ton na bokih si je zaslužil sebi primerno ime.
  4. Stal je tam, na svojem vrtu in žalostno gledal v svet. Kljub prekrasnemu sončnemu dnevu se je držal poklapano in le občasno zmajal z glavo. Ko sem pristopil k njemu in ga povprašal kaj je narobe je rekel:”Ne vem, svet je težak, veš. Nič živega in mrtvega nima smisla in zdaj vsak dan trpim, ker ne morem nikamor dati svoje žalosti…” Stresel je lase in jih pihnil s čela. Vprašal sem ga, če ga lahko slikam in je samo skomignil s pleči. Kaj je nastalo?
  5. “Ne bi smela pojesti tiste gobe, definitivno ne bi smela pojesti tiste gobe, a čutiš kako se tla premikajo? Kaj je to ma mojem hrbtu? Kaj je to v tvoji roki? Je to fotoaparat? Joj, ne me zdej slikat? O, kako zanimiv telefon! Ga lahko vidim???!?” Pa smo tam.
  6. Enkrat je 80-letna gospa iz Loške doline pozabila očistiti filter na pralnem stroju in ji je med programom ožemanja le-ta pričel poplavljati. Posledice so vidne na tej sliki.
  7. Moja kariera risanja stripov je šla kaj hitro po zlu. Minilo me je nekje med časom, ko sem prvič prijel kuli v roko in tistim trenutkom, ko sem spoznal, da sem tepec.
  8. [Zgodba se dogaja na Kitajskem, vsi pogovori pa se dogajajo v mandarinščini, ki jo govori delavski razred] A:”Izdelati moramo plišasto žirafo, ki bo hkrati obesek za ključe.” B:”Z vsem spoštovanjem gospod, kaj je to žirafa?” A:”Pojma nimam, tukaj imamo sliko njene glave, izgleda podobna mustangu z rogovi, zato naredite nekaj v temu stilu.” B:”Z vsem spoštovanjem gospod, ampak kaj je to mustang?” A:”…” [konec zgodbe] Obesek za ključe pa…
  9. NF:”Profesor, kaj pa, če ne poznam dovolj imen barv, da bi znal poimenovati te odtenke?” P:”Sej nima veze kko se imenuje, ti si sam zapomn barvo da boš znal povedat kakšna mešanica je to, če jo kdaj vidiš. ” NF:”A če poimenujem tole barvo4 Franci in si jo zapomnim bo v redu?” P:”Tega si zihr ne boš zapomnu.” NF:”Čakite, bom sliku!!” Say hello to Franci.
  10. “Muuuu!!” se je zaslišalo. Čaki, kaj? Krava sredi Ljubljane? Je to sploh mogoče? Itak, da je...
  11. Sem tukaj morda kdaj omenjal učno snov, ki je močno povezana z galebjimi ritmi? In, da je nesmiselna kot fičo v modernem času avtomobilov srednjega razreda? Torej, smilijo se mi vsi tisti, ki so imeli kadarkoli v življenju opravka s tole knjigo. Res. Gremo na eno kavo?
  12. Mazda 6 je eden izmed lepših serijskih avtomobilov za navadne smrtnike. Če ga okrancljaš s kakšnim spojlerjem pa izpade naravnost strupen. Neznanka mi ostaja samo, kaj je smisel športnih dodatkov, če potem, ko obrneš ključ izpod haube zaslišiš zvok traktorja? Jap, tale na sliki je dizel. Dizel!
  13. Enkrat smo iz Amerike za poizkus dobili enormno koruzo. Res, da so pice od takrat naprej izgledale neverjetno majhne, ampak so bile kljub temu okusne.
  14. “Ne pozabite naslednji teden prinesti enega predmeta, ki ga bomo ulili v polimerno maso,” je zabičal profesor. Kot vesten študent sem se seveda spomnil in naslednji teden nisem ulil prve random stvari, ki sem jo imel ravno v žepu.5
  15. Obstaja kakšen junak, ki ugotovi zakaj se uporablja tole?
  16. Velenje je bojda kar veliko mesto, kaj ne? No, meni se ni zdelo.
  17. Se še kdo spominja tistih veselih časov v mali šoli in vrtcu, ko si lahko po mili volji brskal po škatli z Lego kockami in sestavljal naključne stvari, ki so ti ravno prišle na misel? No, mi bo kdo verjel, če mu povem, da lahko iz podobnega početja na eni prav določeni fakulteti dobiš oceno?
  18. Evo, tale bo precej brez komentarja… Pomladna slika, pač.
  19. Plezalne okrasne trte se ponavadi posadi tako, da zlezejo po žici ali vrvi do določenega mesta, nato pa se jih tam obreže. Primerne so tudi za dajanje sence na kakšni terasi, ali vrtu. Zanimiva rastlina, ni da ni. Problem pri tejle na sliki je samo v tem, da je to, po čemer pleza, žica električnega pastirja. Ampak ni panike, ker rastlina itak ni trta, je samo plevel, ki ga je malce kasneje scvrla elektrika. Heh.
  20. Sedela je na svojem prestolu in mirno opazovala okolico. Ni se pustila motiti in je svoje podanike zviška gledala, ko so občasno občudujoče vrgli pogled v njeno smer. Ko sem pritisnil na sprožilec je priprla oči, trenutek za tem pa je že planila name in mi dala jasno vedeti, zakaj ne mara slikanja6
  21. Ko za izdelavo nečesa podobnega dobiš oceno 9 veš, da predmet ni ravno resnejše oblike. Ampak meni je prav…
  22. Kadar se odločim in grem na sprehod čez center je tole moje spremstvo. No, polovica spremstva, ostali so še na drugi strani, pri Ljubljanici.
  23. Kot sem rekel: nisem umetnik, i just get lucky sometimes.
  24. “Ponoči sva lahko skupaj, ko naju nihče ne vidi… ampak pazi, da se mi ne bi slučajno približal podnevi, kadar kdo gleda! Vse boš uničil!” “Vem, ampak je moja ljubezen do tebe enostavno prevelika, tako, da ne zameri, če te kdaj pa kdaj obliznem po nosu!” Nista bila dovolj hitra zame… Mwahahahaha.
  25. Čisto ponesreči sem izpustil tri telefone iz rok in so jim ven popadale baterije. Če smo pa že pri tej situaciji se da pa dobro preveriti kako je tehnologija napredovala.
  26. Nmohoric je znan po svojemu blogu in po tem, da se močno ukvarja z meditacijo in ostalimi preusmerjanji energije. Tukaj se poslavlja od večernega sonca in mu želi srečo, medtem ko bo 12 ur sijalo na debele Američane.
  27. Ko v eni potezi v zraku ubiješ krvosesa, ki potem prileti v pajkovo mrežo. In je krava cela in pajek sit.
  28. Med transformacijo iz Hulka v navadnega človeka se ena polovica telesa skrči hitreje, kot druga. Mogoče pa je to tudi posledica štirih čebeljih pikov, kaj pa vem, malce me že zapušča spomin.
  29. Za deklete, nekako tak pogled naredim, kadar se lepo oblečete in našminkate.
  30. Risarske sposobnosti bom res začel puščati doma. Tole je bilo narejeno na predavanju, če kaj pomaga pri opravičilu?
  31. Prvič v življenju sem bil na košarkarski tekmi. Naši so zmagali 25:10 po dveh setih in 0,6 sekunde zaostanka za vodilnim.
  32. Smisel te slike je samo v tem, da so na njej v bistvu trije ljudje,na prvi pogled pa se vidi samo enega in pol. Zdaj mi je jasno, zakaj so uporabne vojaške barve oblačil.
  33. Moj najnovejši mp3-predvajalnik. Z njegovo priročnostjo se lahko kosa samo keramičen kipec slona, v naravni velikosti.
  34. Še ena uganka: kaj piše tukaj?
Za enkrat bodi zadosti, slik je dovolj za še en del… :)

  1. niso bile v kopici, res ne. []
  2. Ne zagotavljam sicer, da je zgodba resnična :mrgreen: []
  3. hvala nmohoricu za pomoč pri izbiri komada []
  4. pokaže na mešanico med CO3 in srebrom []
  5. jap, Airwaves čigumi je []
  6. Hvala nmohoricu za pomoč pri izbiri psa za slikanje :D []
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Smešno, smešno

Smeh je, kot pravijo, pol zdravja, plus DDV. Na svetu obstajajo ljudje, ki se poklicno ukvarjajo z iskanjem1 stvari, ki prebivalce naše Zemlje za polovico2 pozdravijo. Zaradi interneta je njihov krog zdravljencev precej večji, kot je bil lahko kadarkoli v zgodovini človeštva. Tudi tisti manj razumljeni in z ozkim spektrom humorja se tako lahko pokažejo pred celim svetom in zagotovo dobijo precejšnje število bratov po smejalnih mišicah.

Dovolil si bom omeniti nekaj ljudi, pri katerih je (zame) polna skleda smeha zagotovljena, ne glede na vremenske in druge razmere.

1. Jimmy Carr Če že govorim o humorju grem težko mimo naroda, ki ga obdaja morje in je v svoji zgodovini razvil specifično obliko prefinjene in malce črne duhovitosti. Cel britanski otok poseduje velikansko število poklicnih komedijantov, ki se ukvarjajo z vsemi možnimi oblikami burleske, kar jim zaradi odlične zavzetosti prinaša svetovno slavo. Med najbolj opaznimi in mogoče malce krutimi je brez problema (na temu blogu že omenjeni) Jimmy. Njegova posebnost so enovrstičnice, s katerimi se loteva od najbolj življenjskih pa vse do tabu tem, ki včasih izzvenijo precej nesramno. Svojo krutost opravičuje s stavkom “Offence is taken, not given,” s katerim pove, da je razumevanje in interpretacija šale vedno odvisna od poslušalca, ne od govornika. Svoje teorije in sistematičnost pri vstati-gor3 nastopih je razložil v knjigi, ali pa celo dveh. Njegova natančnost in enoličnost pri klepanju šal gre nekaterim kritikom močno v nos, vendar med občinstvom vedno izzove tone smeha. Kot še eno posebnost in značilnost naj pri njegovih nastopih omenim, da zelo rad vidi, če se kdo iz občinstva vmeša v katerikoli nastop. Iz vsake naključne situacije namreč zna narediti huronsko smešen in sarkastičen dodatek k svoji točki. Za primer nastopa sem seveda izbral kompilacijo, ki prikazuje točno take trenutke:

YouTube slika preogleda

2. Monty Python Da ne izginemo še tako hitro z Otoka kam čez lužo se moramo nujno pomeniti o klasiki. Zagotovo vsem ljubiteljem komedije znani Phytoni so komična skupina. Skupaj so v prejšnjem stoletju ustvarjali ogromno skečev za radijski in televizijski program. O njih raje ne bi izgubljal besede, ker se jih po prepoznavnosti da postaviti ob bok Rowanu Atkinsonu z njegovim Mr.Beanom in ne bi mogel povedati nič novega. Naj raje govori posnetek iz njihovega filma The Holy Grail:

YouTube slika preogleda

3. Demetri Martin Sicer je zgoraj že opisan en stand-up komedijant, vendar ima tale človek z nenavadnim imenom popolnoma svoj slog. Pred kratkim je svet obkrožila slika, kompilacija njegovih uradnih in odštekanih idej, oziroma “umetnosti,” kot jo kliče on. Na twitterju pa vsak dan objavi eno izmed takih risb.  Pri nastopih uporablja različne pripomočke: od glasbil, igrač, koles, pa do tabel z napisi. Svoj ekskluzivni način razmišljanja in način, kako je prišel do njega je opisal na skrajno zanimivem in gledljivem nastopu (dosegljivo na youtube), kjer nam predstavi svoje življenje. Njegova posebnost so4 enovrstičnice, ki so polne prikritih in modrih misli, gledalca pa kar prisilijo k razmišljanju.

YouTube slika preogleda

4. Steven Wright Demetri Martin je kot svojega idola naštel Stevena. Kot je iz tega zapisa razvidno imajo vsi meni všečni komedijanti skupno lastnost. Seveda Wright ni izjema in ima po cele predstave sestavljene iz one-linerjev. Edino, kar ga loči od drugih šaljivcev je, da je v njih pravi mojster, kakor se vidi iz tele zbirke.  Njegov rezerviran slog govorjenja doda vsem nastopom pravi čar. Tukaj lahko citiram komentar izpod enega od njegovih posnetkov na Youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yp_l5ntikaU
Steven is a genius.  I saw him live a few years back and, at one point, he looked out at the audience, said, “I just remembered: my mother told me never to talk to strangers.” Then he walked off the stage!
To bolj kot ne povzame njegov smisel za humor. Za več informacij pa si oglejmo tole:

YouTube slika preogleda

5. David Thorne Da pa ne bom govoril samo o youtube nastopačih bom omenil nekoga, ki se profesionalno ukvarja z internetnim trollanjem. David na svoji spletni strani objavlja e-poštne pogovore z ljudmi, ki si jih na različne in premišljene načine privošči. Med njegovimi tarčami se lahko znajde vsak. Od sostanovalca, ki ne pospravlja posode, sosed, h kateremu se povabi na zabavo, trgovine, za katere po televiziji predvajajo lažne oglase, pa do naključnih neznancev, ki so dovolj neprevidni in ob kakšnem razglasu izdajo svoj e-mail naslov. V veliko slavo ga je ponesla zgodba, ko je svojo bančno delavko prepričal, da mu je ukradla sliko pajka.

6. WLIIA Ali daljše: Whose Line Is It Anyway. Ameriška oddaja zasnovana na improviziaciji. Ekipa igralcev je sestavljena iz povezovalca in štirih improvizatorjev. Za različno oblikovane scene dobijo ideje iz občinstva in jih potem poskušajo z improvizacijo čimbolje (včasih boljše, drugič bolj smešno) odigrati. Oddaja vsebuje elemente kot so skupinsko petje pesmi, kjer lahko vsak reče samo eno besedo naenkrat, skeče, v katerih morajo uporabiti čim več naključno izbranih objektov, scene, ki jih gledalci napišejo na listek, voditelj pa jih za igralce izžreba iz klobuka, skeč, kjer morajo govoriti samo v vprašanjih in še mnoge, mnoge druge… Tokrat sem izbral sceno s petjem, ki se imenuje Three Headed Broadway Star:

YouTube slika preogleda

7. Top Gear Pri zabavnih oddajah bi težko zaobšel avtomobilistično oddajo iz Britanije. Trije bogataši, ki imajo dovolj polne riti, da se lahko norčujejo iz avtomobilov, ki 99,99% prebivalstva predstavljajo nedosegljiv standard. Svoje ideje podprejo z veliko mero angleškega humorja in… nastane tole:5

YouTube slika preogleda

To bi bilo za danes vse. Upam, da sem komu podal kakšen dober razlog za visenje na youtube… ko bo na vrsti kakšna deževna nedelja, seveda.

  1. uspešnim []
  2. +DDV []
  3. stand-up []
  4. kot mi je ljubo []
  5. Glede na razširjenost serije tudi tukaj ne bom bolj podrobno opisoval zakaj se gre… []
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Keywords #7

Ker me je pametnjakovič spomnil na keywordse in že nekaj mesecev ni bilo nobene take objave…

štirindvajsetur – pikakom?

debeli ljudi slike – …Ne vem kaj bi napisal. Ker je idej kar preveč. Don’t make this too easy on me.

jajčasta glava – Znak prednikov z Marsa.

kako izbrisati iskalni niz – S pritiskom na tipko “Izklopi računalnik.”

kako prilepiti sporočilo na svoj zid – Kar potrebuješ je lepilni trak, pisalo in listek. Ter seveda dobršna mera motoričnih sposobnosti.

kako voščiti nekomu za rojstni dan ki mu je ravnokar nekdo umrl - Uf. Priznam, ta je težka. Počakaš eno leto in mu voščiš dvakrat?

kolesarski difrencial – Diferencial je seveda eden izmed najpomembnejših sestavnih delov enoslednih vozil. Če hočeš izvedeti več o njem poizkusi povprašati na kakšnem motorističnemu forumu. Zraven pusti tudi svoj domači naslov in ostale kontaktne podatke.

koliko študentov filozofije na enega strojnika – Od oka? Nekje 8. (O čem sploh sprašuješ, model?)

primorci rečemo črko h – Lepo. Jutri jemljemo črko I. Prinesite zvezke in ošiljene svinčnike.

ptička paška – Pozabil vzet tablete, a?

saj v google chrome sploh ne moreš namestiti orodnih vrstic. – Lepo. Citat s Slo-techa skopiran v Googla.

ženske ki padajo – Izi: padalke.

ali zdaj znaš – Ne, še. Bom pa enkrat našel način, da ti onemogočim dostop do Googla.

april ladadida starost – Če si s temle našel iskani podatek ti lahko kvečjemu čestitam. Bravo.

beseda za zalivanje roz – “uriniranje” :mrgreen:

deli prašiča – Prašič se v osnovi deli na dva dela: okusni in ne preveč okusni del.

egipcanske kletvice – “Da bi ti sfingin nos podrl piramido!” ali pa “Nil te gleda!”1

kako pravilno namestiti boksarske rokavice – Na noge, seveda.

kako se vpišejo kywords - No, takole že ne.

kje kupit risanka maka paka – Zagotavljam, da nekje v bližini Slovnice in SSKJ.

kot čreda želv – ki stampedira skozi kikirikijevo maslo?

miške ne se bat zajček vam ne bo nič naredil – Otroci, takih vrstic ne uporabljajte za pecanje. Priporočam.

  1. Source: Nisem egipčan. []
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“Dobr zmenjen…

…sam slaba izvedba” je rekel točno določeni bloger.

Mislim, ko se domeniš z točno določenim ljubiteljem kelnaric, da te pobere po šihtu, ker je treba malce nadoknadit tekoče dogajanje pokomentirat čevlje, frizure, opravljat prijateljice in znanke in se hihitat med skupinskim wcjanjem… in spit kakšen čaj ali dva skorajda pričakuješ, da bo prišel ob domenjenem času in bo čakal na domenjenem kraju. Ni razočaral, le vedel ni točno kje je ta domenjeni kraj.

Ko je rdeč minigolf s polnim plinom pridrvel mimo mene sem seveda takoj pograbil telefon in ga milo prosil, če obrne in me pobere tam kjer sva domenjena. Seveda mi je naredil uslugo in v daljavi začel obračati, ravno ko mi je umrla baterija pri telefonu. Nekaj trenutkov za tem je mali avto seveda s polnim plinom ponovno pridrvel mimo, meni pa se je obraz iz ” :D haha, dobra fora, zdej bo pa na polno zabremzu, a ne…” spremenil v  http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/discoblog/files/2011/04/poker-face-300x266.jpg, ko je z nespremenjeno hitrostjo izginil v daljavi.

Seveda s prazno baterijo, Urbano in popolnoma brez postajališč Bicike(lj) v bližini nisem imel druge izbire kot še malce počakati, nato pa  počasi oditi na večerni sprehod proti domu. Ne preveč kratek, če smem pripomniti :mrgreen:   Tokrat raje nisem rinil čez Žale, ker imam ob dvaindvajseti uri raje javno razsvetljavo kot milijardo nagrobnih sveč. Heh.

Weird things happens to me.

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Šihtno

Ja. Dobil sem ga. Že pred več kot enim tednom, zdaj pa se po zimskemu spanju komaj uvajam v osemurni delovnik, ki ga kombiniram s predavanji. Ni lahko, vendar je bančni račun hvaležen kot lačna opica podarjene banane. Pa to.

Ne bom trdil, da mi je s to1 zaposlitvijo padla sekira v med, vendar mi je s to zaposlitvijo padla sekira v med. Ravno prava mešanica fizičnega in psihičnega dela, ki je hkrati dovolj raznoliko, da ne postane prehitro dolgočasno.

Sicer nisem preveč izbirčen in bi delal tudi kaj drugega, ampak se tudi sedaj ne pritožujem. Nekako srečen sem, da sem izmed oglasov na strani e-študenta, sredi vseh telefonskih anketiranj in deljenj letakov našel nekaj tako idealnega. Ne da bi se hvalu :mrgreen:

http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/just-give-me-money-and-ill-do-shit-for-you.jpg

Z novo službo pridejo tudi nova spoznanja. Tako mi je uspelo že prvi dan navezati stike z enim2 od avtohtonih prebivalcev ghetto predela Ljubljane, nato pa sem celo izmeno in še na troli poslušal o tem, kako je bilo delati kot varnostnik na Metalkempu in da ga je za to službo zjutraj kłical šef  osebno3 ravno, ko je bil na “pijački s kołegi.” Heh.

Da ne bo pomote, ostali sodelavci so popolnoma ok. Drugače bi že potihem evaporiral v kakšno drugo skladišče :mrgreen:

Kljub temu, da sem večino časa zbit in utrujen imam še vedno delujočo neko žilico za preganjanje dolgčasa v4 čredi ovac, ki hodijo po vsakdanjih opravkih. Buljenje v ljudi, ki stojijo na postaji mestnega avtobusa dokler ne popustijo pogleda, zastraševalna hoja ponoči nasproti nekemu paru in grdo metanje pogledov izpod čela, nato pa smeh, ko se stisneta čisto k robu pločnika. En dan sem v službi poskušal spraviti naključno besedo “kriv” v vsak pogovor, ki sem ga imel…5 Take in podobne ideje, ki se mi čisto sproti porodijo v glavi. Karkoli, kar prisili uro k hitrejšemu vrtenju.

Bicikelj. Uporabljam za polovico poti do šihta. Če bi se prej zavedal kako glupo lahko izgleda nekdo tako velik in kosmat na mestnem kolesu s košarico morda ne bi nikoli podpisal naročnine. Zdaj pa je, kar je. Predvsem poceni. In hitro.

Aja, ti bicik(elj)i so očitno lahko tudi pokvarjeni, ker sem enkrat naletel na enega, ki mu je veriga6 preskakovala vsakič, ko sem speljal. Glasno ruženje in moj “kaj-me-briga-sej-ni-moj-bicikl” nasmešek sta najbrž izpadla fenomenalno, ko me je zaradi izgube momenta malce zaneslo iz ravne linije in me je z desnim ogledalom skorajda prikrajšal za levo ramo nek divjak v audiju. Pa to.

Btw, če še kdo ne ve: Bicike(lj) kolo se najlažje dobi iz stojala tako, da dvignemo sedež in zadnje kolo v zrak. Valjda. Tudi jaz sem to izvedel šele malce prej, ko sta me modela, ki oskrbujeta postajališča s kolesi opozorila, da moje silovito vlečenje kvečjemu poškoduje držalo. Ups, a ne. (Pa očitno se moram res obriti, ker sta me kregala z nekim “gospod” in me vikala. C’mon people!)

Za socializiranje mi nekako ne ostane dovolj časa. Nekajkrat na teden mi uspe ob zgodnji uri7 iz postelje vreči določene FDVjevce, ki jih s težavo prisilim, da sebe in tigrastega mačka odvlečejo do prve restavracije s precej matematičnim imenom. Občasno me točno določeni mučitelji živali spravijo na kak čaj ali dva, to pa je več ali manj to, vendar mi trenutno popolnoma zadošča. Kljub vsemu rade volje sprejmem prostovoljne ponudbe za masažo, ker me od večurnega stanja zateguje po celem hrbtu. Pogoj je ženska roka,8 in pripravljenost pomagati ljudem v stiski :mrgreen:

Rutina je kul. Kul je rutina. Počasi prihajam v ritem in vse bo šlo lažje. To je to, kar se tiče zunanjosti. Za ostale blodnje se zglasite na temu blogu pri Toku misli #109, enkrat v kratkem.

  1. študentsko, da ne bo pomote []
  2. tudi študent []
  3. je treba met veze, a ne []
  4. kakor bi najbrž rekel pametnarit []
  5. Samo enkrat mi ni uspelo. []
  6. ali nek del v pogonskem mehanizmu []
  7. 11h-12h []
  8. najraje dve []
  9. povezava še ne obstaja že obstaja []
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Majhna multiplayer igra

Bom delu mal reklame za opensource.

Torej, če kdo pride kdaj v situacijo, da bi en dan s kolegi udarili kakšno multiplayer igro preko LAN-a, interneta ali česa podobnega obstaja milijarda možnosti. Če ima vsaj eden od teh kolegov premalo časa, preslab računalnik, ali pa samo naložen kakšen igram neprijazen operacijski sistem (OSx, Linux in to) pa je izbira primernih iger veliko veliko manjša.  No, enkrat smo s kolegi prišli v podobno situacijo in ker sem zadnjo igro igral leta Gospodovega 20041 sem iskanje prepustil nekomu drugemu. Ker dolgo ni našel primerne rešitve sem moral le prevzeti vajeti in sem našel rešitev.

Torej kaj je majhno, nezahtevno, malce nasilno, omogoča večigralnost, deluje na vseh operacijskih sistemih in je hkrati še vedno dovolj zabavno?

Assault Cube

Odprtokodna FPS2 računalniška igra, ki je popolnoma zastonj. Inštalacijska datoteka, ki jo lahko downloadamo tukaj je velika od 40 do 50 MB, namestitev  je možna na različnih operacijskih sistemih (WIN, MAC, Linux) in tudi na mojem mini prenosniku traja le kakšno minuto ali dve.

Igralnost se skorajda lahko primerja s starimi COD in CS. Podpira multiplayer igro preko javnih serverjev, kjer je praktično vedno prisotnih kar precej igralcev in seveda strelanje sovraga3 preko LAN povezave, ki jo lahko ob pomoči primerne dokumentacije in foruma vzpostavi vsak, ki se je v osnovni šoli naučil več kot 23 črk abecede in ima 5 minut časa.

Pa, da me ne bodo samo besede:

http://www.assault-cube.net/screenshots/screen2.jpg http://screenshots.getdeb.net/playdeb/media/screens/13/13.png

Tukaj sta dva screenshota in povezava do enega posnetka gameplaya.

Aja. Ker je igra opensource ima nekje tudi možnost grajenja lastnih sob, kjer se lahko izkažejo vaše arhitekturne sposobnosti. Pa to.

Torej, na splošno nisem za zabijanje časa z igrami, sploh s streljačinami, vendar je občasno dobro preluftat živce nad cimri in kolegi.

Govoril sem.

http://assault.cubers.net/docs/

  1. in ne spremljam scene spljoh []
  2. first person shooter []
  3. cimrov []
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Zbirka citatov s FB za FB

Tisti, ki me poznate veste, da imam precej rad citate, posebej enovrstičnice. Pred kratkim sem pobrisal čisto vse objave na Facebook zidu in ugotovil, da sem s tem stran vrgel lepo zbirko angleških onelinerjev. K sreči imam nekje back-up celotnega FB profila, danes pa imam zadnji dan počitnic… Tako je torej nastal tale big-ass1 kupček smešnih, zanimivih, modrih, debilnih, latinskih, slovenskih in predvsem angleških izrekov. Ne prevzemam nobene odgovornosti za avtorstvo le teh. Kdor prebere vse dobi čokolado :mrgreen:

  • Never try to drown your troubles… Especially if she can swim.
  • The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
  • “Meow” means “woof” in cat. (G.C.)
  • Roses are #FF0000, Violets are #0000FF ….
  • Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny…
  • Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice.
  • May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
  • Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
  • The toaster was invented by accident by a piece of bread which attempted to commit suicide…
  • If all the Chinese people in the world jumped at exactly the same time, a whole lot of people would be jumping.
  • All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
  • I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.
  • All your base are belong to us and you have partial custody and may only see your base on weekends…
  • Twinkle Twinkle little star, You should know what you are, And once you know what you are, Mental hospital is not so far.
  • The box said ‘Requires Windows 95 or better’. So I installed LINUX….
  • Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible!
  • Someone once said a million monkeys using a million keyboards could reproduce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Thanks to Facebook, we now know that to be entirely false.
  • If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
  • Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.
  • Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  • Bugs come in through open Windows,,,,
  • Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
  • Microsoft Windows: A virus with mouse support… or the best solitaire game you can get for 138 €?
  • Sleep is a poor substitute for caffeine.
  • Laboratory safety protocol said no, but my heart said yes….
  • If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire. (George Carlin)
  • “So… People like NASCAR, because the constant crashes make it exciting? That gives me an idea…” (Bill Gates on the day Windows was created)
  • In the land of the skunks he who has half a nose is king…
  • If we are the only intelligent life in the universe, at least there’s a finite number of idiots.
  • If I throw a stick will you leave??
  • What do sheep count when they can’t sleep?
  • To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.
  • Melancholy is incompatible with cycling…
  • A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
  • A wise monkey never monkies another monkey’s monkey…
  • If you want to avoid seeing a fool, you must break your mirror.
  • One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.
  • Life’s mystery #1: how a two pound box of candy make a woman gain five pounds?
  • If I wrote down every single thought I ever had I would get an award for the shortest story ever.
  • It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.
  • I never let my mind wander, it’s far too small to be let out on its own.
  • I never finish what I star
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
  • Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane…
  • A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.
  • When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
  • People fill their rooms with useless and cumbersome furniture, and spend the rest of their lives trying to dodge it…
  • Are you thinking what I’m thinking that I think that you’re thinking I’m thinking because if you think that I think what I think I’m thinking then we’ve got a problem?
  • Let’s share: You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin…
  • When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I
  • Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
  • Cats don’t like riding on a bicycle….no matter how much duct tape you use…
  • I’m curently having a closer look to the right line of the road.
  • I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget (Michael McShane)
  • It’s been 23 years since the disaster at Chernobyl. Am I the only one surprised?….. Still no superheroes? (Jimmy Carr)
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
  • To err is human… to really foul up requires the root password.
  • It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  • The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
  • Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
  • I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.~Steven Wright
  • The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
  • Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.
  • Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
  • If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself. ~Confucius
  • The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
  • Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
  • If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
  • Assumption is the mother of all blow-ups…
  • Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
  • All generalizations are false.
  • Contrary to popular belief, it actually isn’t all in the wrist.
  • When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
  • I don’t like to repeat things, so listen carefully the first six times.
  • Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity…..
  • I’m probably lying.
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
  • When you’re home alone, do you lock the door when you go to the toilet?
  • A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.
  • My mind is like lighting, one brilliant flash, then its gone…
  • If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  • I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
  • I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.
  • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  • Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  • Don’t Trust Anything That Bleeds for Five Days and Doesn’t Die..
  • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  • A dyslexic man walks into a bra….
  • You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape .
  • With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
  • They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
  • FOOT: A device for finding furniture in the dark
  • Access denied–nah nani na nah nah!
  • Some say I have A.D.D…..but they just don’t under..HEY LOOK! A squirrel!
  • “Look at that cloud. It looks like a Rorshock test.” “Which one?” “The one with the guy holding babys head under the watter.”
  • A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  • I’m doing insomnia impression…
  • If only Murphy would keep his mouth shut…
  • Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.  (Jimmy Carr)
  • Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
  • Today will be a good day. Today I will turn off the news, and think about the 6,7 billion people who didn’t get shot.
  • “It’s physically impossible to sneeze while pissing.” George Carlin
  • To a certain degree I am, come on its the internet I can be whatever I want…Except, apparently, a person of intellect…
  • Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
  • Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey…
  • A big bug bit the little beetle but the little beetle bit the big bug back.
  • Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
  • The problem with fool proof plans is that they underestimate the dumb luck of idiots.
  • When you say “I wrote a program that crashed Windows”, people just stare at you blankly and say ‘Hey, I got those with the system. ~Linus Torvalds
  • Here let me drop whats imprortant to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs.
  • Take the gates off his hinges and break the windows.
  • What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  • If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed. (Mark Twain)
  • “The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read.” ~Mark Twain
  • They did not know it was impossible, so they did it! ~Mark Twain
  • Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. ~Mark Twain
  • Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  • Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
  • If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  • When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
  • The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing.
  • I’m not anti social, society is anti me.
  • I used to have super-human powers, but my pschiatrist took them away.
  • If you could read my mind you wouldn’t be smiling…
  • Yep just like I thought the lights are on and no one is home.
  • The world if a messed up place, and to tell you the truth, I like it that way.
  • Empty cans make the most noise.
  • Those who know do not say, those who say do not know.
  • Completely free of sanity….
  • The prophets have it all wrong. The end is past and we didn’t even blink…
  • I get enough exercise just pushing my luck….
  • If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.
  • A man’s mind will very gradually refuse to make itself up until it is driven and compelled by emergency.
  • A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it.
  • Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off….
  • Sometimes I just sit and think, and sometimes I just sit…..
  • Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one…
  • The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night’s sleep.
  • There are three constants in life… change, choice and principles.
  • There are some that are wise and others that are otherwise…
  • There is something curiously boring about somebody else’s happiness….
  • Somebody’s boring me. I think it’s me….
  • Expect nothing and accept everything and you will never be disappointed…
  • Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
  • Drugs cause amnesia, and other things I can’t remember…
  • Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
  • We’re a virus with shoes, okay? That’s all we are…
  • Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
  • Is there any difference between trust and underestimating?
  • A cynic is just a man who found out when he was ten that there wasn’t any Santa Claus, and he’s still upset.
  • It’s all very complex. Or else it’s very simple. Or perhaps both. Or neither.
  • Your problem is that you think you have time…
  • I don’t use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough…
  • F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng….
  • Definiteness of purpose is the starting point of all achievement.
  • Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform?
  • Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though.
  • Difference between a virus and windows? Viruses rarely fail.
  • Bungee jumping is suicide for the un-committed.
  • No we didn’t brake the ozon layer. It fell down the stairs…
  • I am not young enough to know everything.
  • Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. ~Mark Twain
  • Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  • The worst thing about censorship is ******.
  • It’s easy to get bored of beeing human, which is why it helps to remember that every human is technically half-minotaur… ~Rockpapercynic
  • You shouldn’t compare yourself to others… They are more screwed up than you think….
  • V bistvu je načeloma vse skupaj navsezadnje eno popolnoma običajno mašilo.
  • The horns are just there to hold the halo up straight.
  • Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
  • Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
  • Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.
  • The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
  • Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
  • If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, its because you’re both heading in the same direction.
  • Res severa est verum gaudium.
  • MICROSOFT = Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
  • Life isn’t measured by the breaths you take, but by the breaths you don’t waste on cliches. ~RockPaperCynic
  • Dear Santa! If you leave a new bike under the tree, I will give you the antidote to the poison I put in the milk.
  • People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
  • There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
  • There is no problem a good miracle can’t solve.
  • The fridge light DOES go out. Now let me out of here!!!!
  • To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human.
  • Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
  • Coincidence is just an euphemism for conspiracy.
  • Many complain of their looks, but none of their brains.
  • Boredom is a sign of unused potential.
  • Don’t compromise yourself, you’re all you’ve got.
  • Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
  • You never learn anything by doing it right…
  • If you don’t want to slip, stay away from slippery places.
  • Today’s subliminal thought is:
  • Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
  • The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
  • Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.
  • Females do pursue me, if you count mosquitos.
  • The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds.
  • When you are trying to convince yourself something is right, it is usually wrong.
  • Blessed are the pessimists, for they have made backups.
  • Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
  • I don’t think, therefore I’m probably not.
  • When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.
  • I trust people about as far as I can throw them, which is why this steam-catapult is a big step for me right now. (Rockpapercynic)
  • I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
  • It’s okay to look back at the past – just don’t stare at it.
  • A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
  • I don’t know if I want to change the world or just toilet train it.
  • Only the paranoid survive.
  • Welcome what you can’t avoid.
  • If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
  • I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
  • I will not encourage others to fly.
  • There is nothing wrong in having nothing to say, unless you insist on saying it.
  • If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
  • If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day should take care of everyone else.
  • Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
  • I think that people who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
  • Today is the last day of your life so far.
  • There’s nothing wrong with the younger generation that twenty years or so won’t cure.
  • Happiness isn’t having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.
  • Your future depends on your dreams – So go to sleep….
  • We can’t control the wind, but we have the power to adjust the sails.
  • Did you sleep well? “No, I made a couple of mistakes.” ~Steven Wright
  • I didn’t use to finish sentences, but now I
  • I’m not paranoid, they really are after me.
  • I’d love to make up my mind, but I can’t remember where I left it.
  • If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn’t get very far.
  • Gravity always gets me down.
  • How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
  • Optimist: A person who travels on nothing, from nowhere, to happiness.
  • The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
  • Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
  • Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
  • I like to leave messages before the beep.
  • Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.
  • If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.
  • Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night? ~Steven Wright
  • The funny thing about Common sense is that it’s not very common…
  • Ask yourself if what you are doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.
  • I guess surrealism’s not your cup of tuna.
  • Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. ~George Carlin
  • The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
  • If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • When you are trying to convince yourself something is right, it is usually wrong.
  • If it wasn’t for my random motions, blurtings and actions, I’d be as normal as you.
  • Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying
  • A very wise mute once said:
  • Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.
  • I need not suffer in silence when I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
  • Do what you did and get what you got.
  • I need just enough to tide me over and then I need MORE.
  • Quando omni flunkus moritati.
  • If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.
  • The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
  • Too many people don’t care what happens, so long as it doesn’t happen to them.
  • No matter how hard you try, you can’t fall off the floor.
  • You must be an asymptote, because I just find myself getting closer and closer to you…
  • We live in an imperfect world, and we will act imperfectly in that world.
  • The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
  • Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
  • I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.” ~Steven Wright
  • Life is like a pack of chewing-gum; I’ve yet to figure out why…
  • I haven’t lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.
  • We put the “fun” in dysfunctional…
  • Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them, and Psychiatrists charge them rent.
  • An unfinished thought is like a day without…
  • Censorship? We don’t have any censorship. If we did, I couldn’t say XXXX or XXXX.
  • She says I never listen… or something like that…
  • This website may contain words, or traces of words.
  • There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
  • If there’s anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.
  • I’m only attending school until it becomes available on internet.
  • The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
  • Reality is a little green thing in a box. When you open the box, it squawks at you until you close it again.
  • Regular naps prevent old age….. especially if you take them while driving.
  • There are two kinds of people.Those who finish what they start and so on.
  • It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite…
  • The future is much like the present, only longer.
  • A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
  • Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.
  • Insanity: a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
  • Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone. That makes life fair.
  • I was born at a very early age.
  • I think my brain has a mind of its own
  • If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
  • Have whatever kind of day you want.
  • To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow…
  • It’s not reality that’s important, but how you perceive things.
  • Free cheeseburgers every second Saturday of the week…
  • You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.
  • The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
  • I lost a button hole today…
  • It is not the moutain ahead that’s wearing me out, it’s the grain of sand in my shoe.
  • The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.
  • When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
  • The future will soon be a thing of the past.
  • Everybody repeat after me: “We are all individuals.”
  • Before you can break out of prison, you must realize that you are locked up.
  • The best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain.
  • Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
  • Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
  • I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
  • I talk to myself a lot. it bothers people, though, because I use a megaphone.
  • The things I fear may all be imaginary; so what I fear most is my imagination.
  • Our #1 problem is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything…but don’t quote me…
  • The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a do-it-yourself thing.
  • Imagine the Creator as a stand up comedian – and at once the world becomes explicable.
  • “I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.” ~G. Carlin
  • Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s own ignorance.
  • Is “tired old cliche” one?
  • This is no ordinary silly grin on my face, it’s an educated one.
  • A vacuum is lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with…
  • I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I
  • keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.~Steven Wright
  • Help wanted:Telepath. You know where to apply.
  • I need a lawn, so I can yell at kids to stay off it.
  • The average man’s judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses
  • it…
  • I don’t get even, I get older.
  • Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. We must find this woman and stop
  • her…
  • Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished….
  • Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel.
  • Every so often,, look up, and smile for a satellite picture…
  • Those who race through life finish first.
  • Do not put statements in the negative form…
  • You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to
  • start all over again.
  • I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
  • self-righteous people around me.
  • A flashlight is basically a tin can for transporting dead batteries…
  • “When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually…” ~Steven Wright
  • Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.
  • Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
  • Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
  • If you stop betting you don’t have to loose.
  • A chicken is an egg’s way of producing more eggs.
  • What do chickens think we taste like?
  • I’ve told you a million times to stop exaggerating!
  • It’s strange, isn’t it? Stand in the middle of a library and go “Aaaaaaagghhhh” and everyone just stares at you. But do the same thing on an airplane, everyone joins in.
  • Old Macdonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
  • Time is merely a waste of reality.
  • Furnulum pani nolo.
  • Na gradbišču je delal tudi steklar, ki je zamenjal 34 okenskih šip, preden je opazil, da ima počeno steklo na očalih…
  • I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.
  • Box is like a life of chocolate…
  • I can be googled, therefore I am.
  • Don’t kill the dream – execute it!
  • You simply must stop taking other people’s advice..
  • The only reason America goes to war is to learn geography.
  • “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” ~Steven Wright
  • “I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.”~Steven Wright
  • If less is more, imagine how much more, more is.
  • Korporacija Microsoft je prehitela tovarno Volkswagen, ki je izdelala 23 milijonov hroščev…
  • —If you cut here, you’ll probably destroy your monitor—
  • This sentence contradicts itself — no actually it doesn’t.
  • I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights. ~G. Carlin
  • If electricty comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  • 98% of the time I am right. Why worry about the other 3%…
  • Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
  • “I have to say, that is the BEST anology I have ever heard for NASCAR.
  • I’ve always said, if I wanted to watch something turn left for 3 hrs I’d
  • try to flush a ping pong ball”
  • I have an obsession with revenge?!? …We’ll see about that….
  • Experience varies directly with equipment ruined…
  • In heaven, you can dry your hands with one paper towel.
  • When the people come, don’t call where they’re taking you the land of the magic white jackets. It makes them drive faster…
  • When life gives you melons…you may be dyslexic….
  • Fission mailed.
  • Ena laž sproži drugo laž, ta spet tretjo laž, ta četrto, ta…. in preden se zaveš si že odvetnik…
  • Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of silly persons!
  • Why remember quotes when you can make them up? ~O. Wilde
  • If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
  • If you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a lot of times…
  • I may look like an idiot, and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. I really AM an idiot.
  • You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him wear swimtrunks.
  • I can at least be used as a bad example….
  • Letala so v bistvu samo leteče podmornice….
  • Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population…
  • Haikus are easy.
  • But sometimes they don’t make sense.
  • Refrigerator.
  • If vegetarians eat only vegetables, what about humanitarians?
  • A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner…
  • What goes around… usually gets dizzy and falls over…
  • Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung….
  • If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog…
  • “Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.” ~George Carlin
  • I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me send money.
  • Sometime I just can’t prevent clean thoughts from entering my mind…
  • windows rule nr.1: What boots up must come down.
  • If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less…
  • We must believe in free will. We have no choice…
  • When all else fails, follow the instructions.
  • If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a magic ship that saves people…
  • Isn’t it strange that the same people who laugh at fortune tellers take economists seriously?
  • If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished…
  • I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes….
  • If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation.
  • You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
  • The total intelligence on the planet is constant; the population is growing.
  • Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking…
  • Do blind eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
  • Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
  • Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment…
  • If you can’t make it good, make it LOOK good.
  • “In may 1974. Tito is elected ‘President for Life’ of Yugoslavia with a landslide 127% of the votes.” ~Jimmy Carr
  • Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. ~Ronald Reagan
  • A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
  • All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
  • A pet rock makes a lousy best friend, but it’s pretty good in a fight….
  • Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it’ll eat for weeks!
  • Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow.
  • Stupid jokes pt.1: What goes ‘clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG’? An Amish drive-by shooting.
  • “Nobody ever goes there, it’s too crowded…”
  • Never say never… unless you’re using this cliche.
  • Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.
  • If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
  • We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, have been asked to do so much with so little for so long that we are now capable of doing anything with nothing.
  • There is no such thing as a hole on your side of the canoe…
  • Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car…
  • One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
  • Engineer: a person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing.
  • Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
  • The best things in life aren’t things.
  • We don’t want a thing because we have found a reason for it, we find a reason for it because we want it.
  • Ever noticed how easily people are confused by a sentence not ending the way they potato?
  • Planet of the Apes is about a super intelligent breed of apes that take over the world. Isn’t that just what did happen? ~Jimmy Carr
  • I only lie when the truth doesn’t fit.
  • Tried to count to infinity. It took forever….

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