Čivkzbirka #1

Evo, zadnjih štiriindvajset ur sem preživel v iskanju stvari, ki bi jih lahko kopiral, vendar nisem bil preveč uspešen. Seveda samo do nedavnega, ko sem odkril veliko zbirko tvitov, ki sem jih nekoč in nekje dodal med priljubljene. Ponekod gre za slovenske, drugje spet za angleške citate, vendar ima večina vsaj malce humornega pridiha. Sledijo si kronološko, od najnovejšega proti najstarejšemu. Let’s get this party started.

*Sakir na tradicionalne družinske vrednote:

*Ragnar Belial o napredku Applove tehnologije: *Sašo z malo črnega humorja: *Matej Praprotnik odkrije zabavno kombinacijo simbolov:

*megafotr o novih sodelavcih policije:

*robotski račun opisuje slovensko glasbeno sceno in njene cilje:

*Khalifa nam pove zabavno anekdoto o srečanju s policisti:

*Ana Jurc o pomembnosti izbiranja pravega imena za otroka:

*Andrej Arh o nerazumevanju med ljudmi:

*FunFacts nam sestavi kratko poezijo:

*Pametnjakovič razloži svoje razumevanje romantike:

*Sašo pove eno matematično:

*Sakir in njegovo trenutno počutje:

*Pižama je zaskrbljen zaradi svoje kolegice:

*Pižama opisuje eko politiko v restavraciji hitre prehrane:

*Political Math se za trenutek zmede in…:

*Demetri Martin opiše sosledje nenavadnih dogodkov:

*Uroš Kocjan pokaže primer pravilne reklamacije:

*JRehlig o svetu iz umetne mase:

*Stanko pove eno odprtokodno:

*Frankie Boyle pojasni koncept kokic in kokakole v kinu:

*Sašo pretvarja v imperialne enote:

*Jure se pohvali:

*Gorazd Šturm se ukvarja s pravilno sintakso:

*Iztok Majhenič pove eno bridko:

*Nejc Žorga Dulmin o znanstvenih problemih:

*anusmundi na pomembnost točke vidika:

*Janez Novak o ljudeh s preveč časa:

*Tina B testira onomatopoijo:

*Kristina Keržan postavi diagnozo:

*Ragnar Belial o posledicah različnih kapljevin:

*Mladen Prajdic na takratne spremembe facebooka:

*robot o imenih moških higienskih pripomočkov:

*Tina B o svoji zbirki orožja:

*Eran Kampf postavi prioritete:

*Tina B o sproščujočem krožku na Kardeljevi ploščadi:

*Lažni račun o problemih prvega sveta:

*Mladen Prajdic opiše našo turistično ponudbo:

*Blaž Žgavc pokaže, kam se splača vreči stotine evrov:

*Jan Ferme ni jutranji človek:

*Jonas Žnidaršič o pozabljenih očalih:

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Zbirka citatov s FB za FB

Tisti, ki me poznate veste, da imam precej rad citate, posebej enovrstičnice. Pred kratkim sem pobrisal čisto vse objave na Facebook zidu in ugotovil, da sem s tem stran vrgel lepo zbirko angleških onelinerjev. K sreči imam nekje back-up celotnega FB profila, danes pa imam zadnji dan počitnic… Tako je torej nastal tale big-ass1 kupček smešnih, zanimivih, modrih, debilnih, latinskih, slovenskih in predvsem angleških izrekov. Ne prevzemam nobene odgovornosti za avtorstvo le teh. Kdor prebere vse dobi čokolado :mrgreen:

  • Never try to drown your troubles… Especially if she can swim.
  • The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
  • “Meow” means “woof” in cat. (G.C.)
  • Roses are #FF0000, Violets are #0000FF ….
  • Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny…
  • Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice.
  • May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
  • Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
  • The toaster was invented by accident by a piece of bread which attempted to commit suicide…
  • If all the Chinese people in the world jumped at exactly the same time, a whole lot of people would be jumping.
  • All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
  • I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.
  • All your base are belong to us and you have partial custody and may only see your base on weekends…
  • Twinkle Twinkle little star, You should know what you are, And once you know what you are, Mental hospital is not so far.
  • The box said ‘Requires Windows 95 or better’. So I installed LINUX….
  • Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible!
  • Someone once said a million monkeys using a million keyboards could reproduce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Thanks to Facebook, we now know that to be entirely false.
  • If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
  • Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.
  • Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  • Bugs come in through open Windows,,,,
  • Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
  • Microsoft Windows: A virus with mouse support… or the best solitaire game you can get for 138 €?
  • Sleep is a poor substitute for caffeine.
  • Laboratory safety protocol said no, but my heart said yes….
  • If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire. (George Carlin)
  • “So… People like NASCAR, because the constant crashes make it exciting? That gives me an idea…” (Bill Gates on the day Windows was created)
  • In the land of the skunks he who has half a nose is king…
  • If we are the only intelligent life in the universe, at least there’s a finite number of idiots.
  • If I throw a stick will you leave??
  • What do sheep count when they can’t sleep?
  • To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.
  • Melancholy is incompatible with cycling…
  • A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
  • A wise monkey never monkies another monkey’s monkey…
  • If you want to avoid seeing a fool, you must break your mirror.
  • One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.
  • Life’s mystery #1: how a two pound box of candy make a woman gain five pounds?
  • If I wrote down every single thought I ever had I would get an award for the shortest story ever.
  • It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.
  • I never let my mind wander, it’s far too small to be let out on its own.
  • I never finish what I star
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
  • Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane…
  • A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.
  • When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
  • People fill their rooms with useless and cumbersome furniture, and spend the rest of their lives trying to dodge it…
  • Are you thinking what I’m thinking that I think that you’re thinking I’m thinking because if you think that I think what I think I’m thinking then we’ve got a problem?
  • Let’s share: You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin…
  • When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I
  • Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
  • Cats don’t like riding on a bicycle….no matter how much duct tape you use…
  • I’m curently having a closer look to the right line of the road.
  • I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget (Michael McShane)
  • It’s been 23 years since the disaster at Chernobyl. Am I the only one surprised?….. Still no superheroes? (Jimmy Carr)
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
  • To err is human… to really foul up requires the root password.
  • It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  • The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
  • Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
  • I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.~Steven Wright
  • The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
  • Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.
  • Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
  • If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself. ~Confucius
  • The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
  • Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
  • If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
  • Assumption is the mother of all blow-ups…
  • Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
  • All generalizations are false.
  • Contrary to popular belief, it actually isn’t all in the wrist.
  • When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
  • I don’t like to repeat things, so listen carefully the first six times.
  • Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity…..
  • I’m probably lying.
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
  • When you’re home alone, do you lock the door when you go to the toilet?
  • A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.
  • My mind is like lighting, one brilliant flash, then its gone…
  • If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  • I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
  • I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.
  • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  • Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  • Don’t Trust Anything That Bleeds for Five Days and Doesn’t Die..
  • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  • A dyslexic man walks into a bra….
  • You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape .
  • With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
  • They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
  • FOOT: A device for finding furniture in the dark
  • Access denied–nah nani na nah nah!
  • Some say I have A.D.D…..but they just don’t under..HEY LOOK! A squirrel!
  • “Look at that cloud. It looks like a Rorshock test.” “Which one?” “The one with the guy holding babys head under the watter.”
  • A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  • I’m doing insomnia impression…
  • If only Murphy would keep his mouth shut…
  • Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.  (Jimmy Carr)
  • Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
  • Today will be a good day. Today I will turn off the news, and think about the 6,7 billion people who didn’t get shot.
  • “It’s physically impossible to sneeze while pissing.” George Carlin
  • To a certain degree I am, come on its the internet I can be whatever I want…Except, apparently, a person of intellect…
  • Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
  • Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey…
  • A big bug bit the little beetle but the little beetle bit the big bug back.
  • Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
  • The problem with fool proof plans is that they underestimate the dumb luck of idiots.
  • When you say “I wrote a program that crashed Windows”, people just stare at you blankly and say ‘Hey, I got those with the system. ~Linus Torvalds
  • Here let me drop whats imprortant to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs.
  • Take the gates off his hinges and break the windows.
  • What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  • If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed. (Mark Twain)
  • “The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read.” ~Mark Twain
  • They did not know it was impossible, so they did it! ~Mark Twain
  • Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. ~Mark Twain
  • Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  • Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
  • If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  • When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
  • The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing.
  • I’m not anti social, society is anti me.
  • I used to have super-human powers, but my pschiatrist took them away.
  • If you could read my mind you wouldn’t be smiling…
  • Yep just like I thought the lights are on and no one is home.
  • The world if a messed up place, and to tell you the truth, I like it that way.
  • Empty cans make the most noise.
  • Those who know do not say, those who say do not know.
  • Completely free of sanity….
  • The prophets have it all wrong. The end is past and we didn’t even blink…
  • I get enough exercise just pushing my luck….
  • If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.
  • A man’s mind will very gradually refuse to make itself up until it is driven and compelled by emergency.
  • A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it.
  • Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off….
  • Sometimes I just sit and think, and sometimes I just sit…..
  • Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one…
  • The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night’s sleep.
  • There are three constants in life… change, choice and principles.
  • There are some that are wise and others that are otherwise…
  • There is something curiously boring about somebody else’s happiness….
  • Somebody’s boring me. I think it’s me….
  • Expect nothing and accept everything and you will never be disappointed…
  • Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
  • Drugs cause amnesia, and other things I can’t remember…
  • Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
  • We’re a virus with shoes, okay? That’s all we are…
  • Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
  • Is there any difference between trust and underestimating?
  • A cynic is just a man who found out when he was ten that there wasn’t any Santa Claus, and he’s still upset.
  • It’s all very complex. Or else it’s very simple. Or perhaps both. Or neither.
  • Your problem is that you think you have time…
  • I don’t use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough…
  • F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng….
  • Definiteness of purpose is the starting point of all achievement.
  • Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform?
  • Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though.
  • Difference between a virus and windows? Viruses rarely fail.
  • Bungee jumping is suicide for the un-committed.
  • No we didn’t brake the ozon layer. It fell down the stairs…
  • I am not young enough to know everything.
  • Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. ~Mark Twain
  • Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  • The worst thing about censorship is ******.
  • It’s easy to get bored of beeing human, which is why it helps to remember that every human is technically half-minotaur… ~Rockpapercynic
  • You shouldn’t compare yourself to others… They are more screwed up than you think….
  • V bistvu je načeloma vse skupaj navsezadnje eno popolnoma običajno mašilo.
  • The horns are just there to hold the halo up straight.
  • Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
  • Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
  • Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.
  • The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
  • Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
  • If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, its because you’re both heading in the same direction.
  • Res severa est verum gaudium.
  • MICROSOFT = Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
  • Life isn’t measured by the breaths you take, but by the breaths you don’t waste on cliches. ~RockPaperCynic
  • Dear Santa! If you leave a new bike under the tree, I will give you the antidote to the poison I put in the milk.
  • People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
  • There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
  • There is no problem a good miracle can’t solve.
  • The fridge light DOES go out. Now let me out of here!!!!
  • To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human.
  • Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
  • Coincidence is just an euphemism for conspiracy.
  • Many complain of their looks, but none of their brains.
  • Boredom is a sign of unused potential.
  • Don’t compromise yourself, you’re all you’ve got.
  • Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
  • You never learn anything by doing it right…
  • If you don’t want to slip, stay away from slippery places.
  • Today’s subliminal thought is:
  • Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
  • The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
  • Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.
  • Females do pursue me, if you count mosquitos.
  • The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds.
  • When you are trying to convince yourself something is right, it is usually wrong.
  • Blessed are the pessimists, for they have made backups.
  • Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
  • I don’t think, therefore I’m probably not.
  • When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.
  • I trust people about as far as I can throw them, which is why this steam-catapult is a big step for me right now. (Rockpapercynic)
  • I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
  • It’s okay to look back at the past – just don’t stare at it.
  • A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
  • I don’t know if I want to change the world or just toilet train it.
  • Only the paranoid survive.
  • Welcome what you can’t avoid.
  • If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
  • I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
  • I will not encourage others to fly.
  • There is nothing wrong in having nothing to say, unless you insist on saying it.
  • If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
  • If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day should take care of everyone else.
  • Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
  • I think that people who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
  • Today is the last day of your life so far.
  • There’s nothing wrong with the younger generation that twenty years or so won’t cure.
  • Happiness isn’t having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.
  • Your future depends on your dreams – So go to sleep….
  • We can’t control the wind, but we have the power to adjust the sails.
  • Did you sleep well? “No, I made a couple of mistakes.” ~Steven Wright
  • I didn’t use to finish sentences, but now I
  • I’m not paranoid, they really are after me.
  • I’d love to make up my mind, but I can’t remember where I left it.
  • If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn’t get very far.
  • Gravity always gets me down.
  • How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
  • Optimist: A person who travels on nothing, from nowhere, to happiness.
  • The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
  • Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
  • Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
  • I like to leave messages before the beep.
  • Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.
  • If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.
  • Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night? ~Steven Wright
  • The funny thing about Common sense is that it’s not very common…
  • Ask yourself if what you are doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.
  • I guess surrealism’s not your cup of tuna.
  • Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. ~George Carlin
  • The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
  • If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • When you are trying to convince yourself something is right, it is usually wrong.
  • If it wasn’t for my random motions, blurtings and actions, I’d be as normal as you.
  • Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying
  • A very wise mute once said:
  • Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.
  • I need not suffer in silence when I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
  • Do what you did and get what you got.
  • I need just enough to tide me over and then I need MORE.
  • Quando omni flunkus moritati.
  • If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.
  • The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
  • Too many people don’t care what happens, so long as it doesn’t happen to them.
  • No matter how hard you try, you can’t fall off the floor.
  • You must be an asymptote, because I just find myself getting closer and closer to you…
  • We live in an imperfect world, and we will act imperfectly in that world.
  • The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
  • Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
  • I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.” ~Steven Wright
  • Life is like a pack of chewing-gum; I’ve yet to figure out why…
  • I haven’t lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.
  • We put the “fun” in dysfunctional…
  • Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them, and Psychiatrists charge them rent.
  • An unfinished thought is like a day without…
  • Censorship? We don’t have any censorship. If we did, I couldn’t say XXXX or XXXX.
  • She says I never listen… or something like that…
  • This website may contain words, or traces of words.
  • There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
  • If there’s anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.
  • I’m only attending school until it becomes available on internet.
  • The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
  • Reality is a little green thing in a box. When you open the box, it squawks at you until you close it again.
  • Regular naps prevent old age….. especially if you take them while driving.
  • There are two kinds of people.Those who finish what they start and so on.
  • It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite…
  • The future is much like the present, only longer.
  • A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
  • Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.
  • Insanity: a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
  • Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone. That makes life fair.
  • I was born at a very early age.
  • I think my brain has a mind of its own
  • If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
  • Have whatever kind of day you want.
  • To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow…
  • It’s not reality that’s important, but how you perceive things.
  • Free cheeseburgers every second Saturday of the week…
  • You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.
  • The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
  • I lost a button hole today…
  • It is not the moutain ahead that’s wearing me out, it’s the grain of sand in my shoe.
  • The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.
  • When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
  • The future will soon be a thing of the past.
  • Everybody repeat after me: “We are all individuals.”
  • Before you can break out of prison, you must realize that you are locked up.
  • The best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain.
  • Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
  • Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
  • I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
  • I talk to myself a lot. it bothers people, though, because I use a megaphone.
  • The things I fear may all be imaginary; so what I fear most is my imagination.
  • Our #1 problem is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything…but don’t quote me…
  • The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a do-it-yourself thing.
  • Imagine the Creator as a stand up comedian – and at once the world becomes explicable.
  • “I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.” ~G. Carlin
  • Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s own ignorance.
  • Is “tired old cliche” one?
  • This is no ordinary silly grin on my face, it’s an educated one.
  • A vacuum is lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with…
  • I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I
  • keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.~Steven Wright
  • Help wanted:Telepath. You know where to apply.
  • I need a lawn, so I can yell at kids to stay off it.
  • The average man’s judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses
  • it…
  • I don’t get even, I get older.
  • Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. We must find this woman and stop
  • her…
  • Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished….
  • Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel.
  • Every so often,, look up, and smile for a satellite picture…
  • Those who race through life finish first.
  • Do not put statements in the negative form…
  • You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to
  • start all over again.
  • I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
  • self-righteous people around me.
  • A flashlight is basically a tin can for transporting dead batteries…
  • “When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually…” ~Steven Wright
  • Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.
  • Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
  • Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
  • If you stop betting you don’t have to loose.
  • A chicken is an egg’s way of producing more eggs.
  • What do chickens think we taste like?
  • I’ve told you a million times to stop exaggerating!
  • It’s strange, isn’t it? Stand in the middle of a library and go “Aaaaaaagghhhh” and everyone just stares at you. But do the same thing on an airplane, everyone joins in.
  • Old Macdonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
  • Time is merely a waste of reality.
  • Furnulum pani nolo.
  • Na gradbišču je delal tudi steklar, ki je zamenjal 34 okenskih šip, preden je opazil, da ima počeno steklo na očalih…
  • I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.
  • Box is like a life of chocolate…
  • I can be googled, therefore I am.
  • Don’t kill the dream – execute it!
  • You simply must stop taking other people’s advice..
  • The only reason America goes to war is to learn geography.
  • “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” ~Steven Wright
  • “I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.”~Steven Wright
  • If less is more, imagine how much more, more is.
  • Korporacija Microsoft je prehitela tovarno Volkswagen, ki je izdelala 23 milijonov hroščev…
  • —If you cut here, you’ll probably destroy your monitor—
  • This sentence contradicts itself — no actually it doesn’t.
  • I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights. ~G. Carlin
  • If electricty comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  • 98% of the time I am right. Why worry about the other 3%…
  • Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
  • “I have to say, that is the BEST anology I have ever heard for NASCAR.
  • I’ve always said, if I wanted to watch something turn left for 3 hrs I’d
  • try to flush a ping pong ball”
  • I have an obsession with revenge?!? …We’ll see about that….
  • Experience varies directly with equipment ruined…
  • In heaven, you can dry your hands with one paper towel.
  • When the people come, don’t call where they’re taking you the land of the magic white jackets. It makes them drive faster…
  • When life gives you melons…you may be dyslexic….
  • Fission mailed.
  • Ena laž sproži drugo laž, ta spet tretjo laž, ta četrto, ta…. in preden se zaveš si že odvetnik…
  • Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of silly persons!
  • Why remember quotes when you can make them up? ~O. Wilde
  • If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
  • If you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a lot of times…
  • I may look like an idiot, and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. I really AM an idiot.
  • You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him wear swimtrunks.
  • I can at least be used as a bad example….
  • Letala so v bistvu samo leteče podmornice….
  • Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population…
  • Haikus are easy.
  • But sometimes they don’t make sense.
  • Refrigerator.
  • If vegetarians eat only vegetables, what about humanitarians?
  • A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner…
  • What goes around… usually gets dizzy and falls over…
  • Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung….
  • If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog…
  • “Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.” ~George Carlin
  • I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me send money.
  • Sometime I just can’t prevent clean thoughts from entering my mind…
  • windows rule nr.1: What boots up must come down.
  • If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less…
  • We must believe in free will. We have no choice…
  • When all else fails, follow the instructions.
  • If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a magic ship that saves people…
  • Isn’t it strange that the same people who laugh at fortune tellers take economists seriously?
  • If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished…
  • I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes….
  • If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation.
  • You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
  • The total intelligence on the planet is constant; the population is growing.
  • Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking…
  • Do blind eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
  • Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
  • Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment…
  • If you can’t make it good, make it LOOK good.
  • “In may 1974. Tito is elected ‘President for Life’ of Yugoslavia with a landslide 127% of the votes.” ~Jimmy Carr
  • Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. ~Ronald Reagan
  • A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
  • All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
  • A pet rock makes a lousy best friend, but it’s pretty good in a fight….
  • Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it’ll eat for weeks!
  • Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow.
  • Stupid jokes pt.1: What goes ‘clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG’? An Amish drive-by shooting.
  • “Nobody ever goes there, it’s too crowded…”
  • Never say never… unless you’re using this cliche.
  • Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.
  • If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
  • We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, have been asked to do so much with so little for so long that we are now capable of doing anything with nothing.
  • There is no such thing as a hole on your side of the canoe…
  • Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car…
  • One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
  • Engineer: a person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing.
  • Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
  • The best things in life aren’t things.
  • We don’t want a thing because we have found a reason for it, we find a reason for it because we want it.
  • Ever noticed how easily people are confused by a sentence not ending the way they potato?
  • Planet of the Apes is about a super intelligent breed of apes that take over the world. Isn’t that just what did happen? ~Jimmy Carr
  • I only lie when the truth doesn’t fit.
  • Tried to count to infinity. It took forever….

  1. tretja tujka v istem odstavku :D []
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Red Forman kolekcija

Redki bodo doumeli.

Opozorilo: Vsebuje malce nemaren jezik. Hvala.


“What are you going to put on your resume – dumbass?”


“That kid’s on dope!”


“Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?” “Because he had a smart mouth?” “That’s right.”


“The last time I was that close to a Japanese machine, it was shooting at me.”


“My head hurts.” “That’s your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.”


“When used separately, women and alcohol can be a lot of fun. But if you mix them, they can turn you into a dumbass.”


“Damn kids today. They wouldn’t know responsibility if it walked up and bit them in the ass.”


“Eric, I thought I told you to wash up for dinner. I know, it’s difficult to hear with your head up your ass.”


“I’ve been working since I was sixteen. I fought in two wars. Hell, I’ve killed people. I’m not saying that I didn’t enjoy it…”


“Good night, sleep tight, and don’t let the bedbugs put their foot in your ass.”


“Happy Birthday. You know, the lawn’s not gonna cut itself.”


“Where did you learn your parenting? ” Korea.”


“A bond between a father and son is subtle and complex- You wipe that smirk off your face.”


“I’m… sorry that I took your money out of your little box, when I feed you and clothe you and put a roof over your head. Sorrrrry.”


“Oh, come on! This isn’t food! This is what food eats!”


“Oh, look. He gave you shoes. What do you say, Red? ” What the hell is wrong with you?”


“Steven, I’ve come to think of you as a son. So I want to give you some honest, heart-felt advice. Get your head out of your ass.”

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je po SSKJ “zelo negativen, poniževalen odnos do česa

Tukaj je zbranih nekaj enovrstičnih izrekov ali bolje rečeno žalitev:

  1. Res nisi tako slab, kot nekateri trdijo. Si mnogo, mnogo slabši!
  2. Zdaj mi je jasno zakaj nekatere živali jedo svoje mladiče.
  3. Ne, ne. Kar nadaljuj. Vedno zeham kadar mi ni dolgčas…
  4. V primeru, da bi pobili vse, ki te sovražijo, to ne bi bil umor ampak apokalipsa!
  5. Mislim, da je zdajle odličen čas, da postaneš pogrešana oseba.
  6. Trenutno nimam časa, pa vendar, te lahko ignoriram kdaj drugič?
  7. Ko te pogledam v oči… vidim zadnji konec tvoje lobanje…
  8. Oster jezik in ostro razmišljanje nista ista stvar…
  9. Kdorkoli ti je že rekel, da bodi to kar si ti ne bi mogel dati slabšega nasveta!
  10. Si vedno tako glup ali samo danes vlagaš poseben napor v to?
  11. Bi rad, da te sprejmem takega kot si, ali bi raje videl, da se poskušam delati, da si mi všeč?
  12. Ne pusti svojim mislim tavati, ker so veliko premajhne, da bi same hodile po svetu.
  13. Ne zahvaljuj se mi za to žalitev, ker mi je bila v užitek.
  14. Veš, da je na svetu že preveč  ljudi, ki jih enostavno moramo sovražiti, zato se ne trudi biti med njimi…
  15. Velikokrat se izgubi v svojih mislih. To je zanj sicer precej neraziskan teritorij…
  16. Tebe so najbrž kar velikokrat pretepli, a ne?
  17. Vidi se, da lažeš. Tvoja usta se namreč premikajo!
  18. Ne vem kaj te dela tako neumnega, ampak očitno izredno dobro deluje…
  19. Prav malo me briga, če govoriš. Vsaj dokler tebe prav malo briga, da te ne poslušam.
  20. Jaz že ne mislim, da si cepec… Ampak kaj je moje mnenje proti tisoč drugim?
  21. Vem, da nisi nikogaršnji osel. Mogoče te bo nekega dne le nekdo posvojil!
  22. Všeč si mi. Ljudje sicer pravijo, da sem brez okusa… ampak si mi všeč!
  23. Včasih sem mislil, da si tečen kot podrepna muha. Danes imam precej slabše mnenje o tebi…
  24. Do tvoje smrti bom branil svoje mnenje!
  25. Zelo rad bi te užalil, ampak se bojim, da me tako ali tako ne boš razumel…
  26. Hočem videti stvari s tvojega vidika, ampak ne morem potisniti glave dovolj globoko v tvojo rit.1
  27. Če bi bil dvakrat pametnejši kot si, bi bil še vedno popoln cepec.
  28. Lepo je videti, da izobrazba niti najmanj ne zmoti tvoje ignorance.
  29. Neverjetno. Tako majhen um v tako veliki glavi!
  30. Oprostite, ampak ste me najbrž zamenjali za nekoga, ki mu je mar.
  31. Ona je prva v njeni družini rojena brez repa.
  32. Sodeč po tebi v eni vasi pogrešajo svojega vaškega posebneža…
  33. Kar mu manjka do inteligence zelo dobro nadoknadi s svojo neumnostjo…
  34. Karkoli te že žre mora neverjetno trpeti…
  35. Kaj je narobe? Mar doma nisi dobil dovolj pozornosti?
  36. Vem kaj te muči! Imaš narcisoizem in to v zadnjem stadiju.
Če se komu pojavlja vprašanje, zakaj nekatere od teh povedi zvenijo grozno je to zato, ker so v bistvu (slabo) prevedene. VIR.

  1. Ojoj. []
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Napovedovanje prihodnosti

je nemogoča zadeva. Še posebej pri ekonomiji in tehnološkem razvoju. Vzpon računalnikov, oz. njegova hitrost je presenetil tudi največje strokovnjake. V prejšnjem stoletju, ko je bil moderni komunikacijski sistem še v maternici so ljudje bolj pričakovali napredek v smeri  Jet-Packov, zasebnih poletov v vesolje in električnih avtomobilov, ti pa so danes vsi pomaknjeni nekam v ozadje, kot nekakšne smešne zanimivosti. Tisti, ki so si takrat drznili napovedati kje bomo čez slabo stoletje, so ponavadi precej brcnili v temo… Tukaj je nekaj dokazov citatov:1

  • V prihodnosti bodo nekateri računalniki tehtali manj kot 1,5 tone.2 ~Revija Popular mechanics, med napovedovanjem bleščeče računalniške prihodnosti, 1949
  • “Na svetovnem trgu je prostora nekje za pet računalnikov.”3 ~Thomas Watson, predsednik IBM, 1943
  • “Prepotoval sem državo po dolgem in po čez, se pogovarjal z največjimi strokovnjaki in lahko vam zagotovim, da je procesiranje podatkov samo modna muha, ki ne bo dočakala konca leta.”4 ~Urednik založbe Prentice Hall, 1957
  • “Ampak… zakaj se uporablja?” 5  ~Inženir v delu Naprednih računalniških sistemov IBM, komentira mikročip, 1968
  • “Ni razloga, da bi ljudje imeli računalnike na domovih.”6 ~Ken Olson, predsednik korporacije Digital Equipment, 1977
In še tisti precej slaven od precej slavnega računalničarja ekonomista Billa Gatesa:“640 kB spomina bi moralo biti dovolj za vse.”7
Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
>     science, 1949

  1. Pobrani in lastnotačno prevedeni so iz enega vira, zato ne bi dal niti lasu, niti pol roke v ogenj, da so resnični. []
  2. Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. []
  3. I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. []
  4. I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year. []
  5. But what … is it good for? []
  6. There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. []
  7. 640K ought to be enough for anybody. []
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